Dirty Harry
by nightowlofdoom
Summary: A five part sequel to Slenderbone in which Harry Potter realizes he's about to graduate while still a virgin and Mr. T warns him about Slenderman taking it. With his tentacular penis. Crack fic. *WARNING* Full of sex, swearing, and the amazing Mr. T!


_Guilty as charged, but damn, it ain't right. There is something else controlling me. Death is in the air; strapped in the electric chair, this can't be happening to me. Who made you God to say, "I'll take your life away from you!"_

It was storming pretty hard when Harry decided to take a walk to the Quidditch field at night. For weeks his thoughts and dreams had been taunting him all about the same thing, and since it was now nearly time for him to graduate from Hogwarts, they had only gotten stronger.

"I, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, the one to kill Voldemort, _the fucking hottest guy at Hogwarts, _am going to graduate a virgin. What a travesty!" He shouted into the storm. Thunder grumbled its taunting reply ("Can thunder really be taunting me?" Harry asked himself.)

"OH HELL NO, YOU SCRAWNY FOOL," A loud voice shouted from the Heavens.

Lightening stuck the ground near Harry, and he had to barrel roll to get out of the way.

When he was finally able to see again, Harry beheld a very muscular black man with a mow-hawk and dozens of gold chains hanging from his neck. Golden hoops hung from his earlobes.

"I PITY THE FOOL WHO DOES NOT KNOW ABOUT _SLENDERBONE!" _Mr. T screamed, rushing to Harry and back-handing the ever-living fuck out of him.

* * *

_Flash before my eyes, now it's time to die. Burning in my brain, I can feel the flames!_

"Just who in the bloody hell are you?" Harry screamed, his face stinging like someone had just held a branding iron to his face. The man stood at about ten foot seven and had muscles bigger than Harry's head. His arms were crossed and daggers flew from his eyes, stabbing Harry in the left knee.

"SON OF A BITCH WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!" The wizard shouted in pain. He was also pretty pissed.

"YOU IGNORANT FOOL! HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF SLENDERBONE, THE CREEPY ASS CREATURE-THING THAT LIVES IN THE FOREST THAT WILL FUCKING _RAPE YOU_ IF YOU DON'T LOSE YOUR VIRGINITY IN LIKE, FIVE MINUTES AFTER I SHOW UP?!"

"What the hell are you talking about?! That's an urban legend that only applies to lesbian chicks! I've fucking read it!" Harry screamed at Mr. T.

Mr. T., in all his god-like glory, laughed so hard that Harry had to cover his ear to prevent his eardrums from exploding. Anyway, his ears began to bleed profusely.

"I thought that too, until it happened to me! Yes, the great MR. T did not lose his virginity until that fucking thing crawled out of the toilet and proceeded to rape my ass. It was like the fucking chick from the Ring, fool!"

Harry drained his ears of blood as best he could before trying to crawl away from the scariest black man he had ever met.

"RUN, RUN AND FIND LUNA. ONLY SHE CAN SAVE YOU NOW!" Mr. T bellowed before returning to the stormy night sky.

"I CAN'T RUN YOU FUCKING TWAT! YOU SEVERED MY FUCKING KNEE!"

"I PITY YOU, FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!"

* * *

_How true is this? Just get it over with. If this is true, just let it be. Wakened by the horrid scream, freed from the frightening dream._

Somehow, someway, Harry found himself in the Black Forest. Or the Enchanted Forest. Whatever the hell it's called. The tree branches seemed to take on the appearance of many arms reaching to grab the virgin wizard, but he was too busy being his angsty self to notice.

"Fucking god shooting my fucking knee out. I'm gonna kill him the next time I see him," Harry grumbled through a mouthful of mud. His crawling had taken him far away from the Quidditch field, but he didn't care. He didn't even know where he was, until a long, slender tentacle grabbed his ankle and began to drag him away.

"WHAT THE FUCK GET OFF ME THIS ISN'T FUNNY YOU BLOODY ASSHAT!" Harry screamed in protest, trying to kick the thing off his leg. Quickly, another tentacle slid up his pants leg and began massaging his "wand."

Harry groaned in pleasure even as he was being dragged into some unknown hell. No one but himself had ever, _ever_ touched his dick, so this was a fantastic feeling.

In the throws of euphoria Harry didn't even notice when he had stopped, only that another tentacle was gently sliding its way into bumhole, teasing him with each tickling motion. He was no longer afraid, only desperate for satisfaction. His raging teenage hormones demanded it, and soon.

A white face close to him cocked its head to the side, seemingly enjoying his taunting of yet another wizard; at least, that was the idea considering the tent pitched in his very expensive-looking suit pants. Oh, but the fun was just about to really begin...

* * *

_As I watch death unfold, consciousness my only friend, my fingers grip with fear. What I am doing here?_

Mr. T. was not one to miss out on a good porno. Armed with lotion and tissues, he watched with keen interest from up above. Who knew he could find live porn in Heaven? "Oh Slendy, you got him real _good." _He laughed.

Harry was about to burst, but he tried to hold off as long as he could. "Oh, God... Please, Slenderbone, please give me something to fuck." He groaned, squirming slightly as he fought not to finish.

Appearing before him was the Slenderbone in question. Wearing nothing but his tie, he approached slowly, his face not looking away from Harry's face. At least, that's what it seemed like. Who knows? Slenderbone has no face, so no eyes in theory. HOW CAN HE STARE AT ANYTHING?

Carefully, the tentacles that had been providing so much pleasure to Harry began instead to rip his pants and underwear off. Even without the constant stimulation, Harry's boner still lived on and had no plans of disappearing quite yet. Once freed from clothes, Slenderbone carefully slid Harry's cock into his ass.

"Oh, God..." Harry moaned as Slender carefully began riding up and down at a slow pace, merely to cause more sexual tensions. Harry's hands were bound to his sides by more tentacles, so all he could do was watch that hot ass go up and down.

"YOU RIDE HIM, SLENDERBONE!" Mr. T. shouted so loud from Heaven that it rang in Harry's ears, causing more blood to seep out.

He didn't even care. He was finally getting fucked. Oh, what a night.

* * *

_I don't want to die. Time moving slowly, the minutes seem like hours, the final curtain call I see._

The next morning, Harry awoke warm and safe in his bed. He was in his pajamas. How weird. He sat up and realized that his ass really, _really fucking hurt!_

"Good God, what the fuck happened last night? And why does my ass feel like I had a Nimbus 2000 shoved up it?" His thoughts were muddy; he remembered rain, a lightening bold, some weird ass black monster man, and tentacles. Lots and lots of tentacles...

Then Harry remembered something odd. He remembered the creature that had given him the fuck of his life had reached into his shirt pocket and removed something green and papery...

A pause. Then...

"GOD FUCKING DAMNIT HE STOLE MY TWENTY DOLLARS!"

**-END-**

* * *

I have literally nothing to say.

-Nightowl


End file.
